Would You Vote For Kid Rock?

By Evonne Ermey

It’s not a joke. Kid Rock, the long-locked musician and former beau of Pamela Anderson says he plans to run for a United States Senate seat in the state of Michigan.

While I will reluctantly admit to swishing my hair around to Cowboyonce upon a time in the 90’s, would I throw my political support behind a man whose second album was titled Early Mornin’ Stoned Pimp? Probably not, but maybe Michigan is less concerned with the artist’s early musical emoting.

Kid Rock’s campaign page is up and running like a jolt of moonshine through a prospectors veins, boasting catchy slogans like, “In ROCK We Trust” and “PIMP of the Nation” emphasis on pimp, as demonstrated in the choice of capitalization.

Sidenote: What does it mean to “Pimp” a nation? Is he talking about pimping out the nation, like the nation is his b**ch? Because that relationship does not sound healthy.

“I’ve had a ton of emails and texts asking me if this website is real… The answer is an absolute YES,” Rock informed the voting public, using the president’s favorite platform, Twitter.

A spokeswoman for the FEC confirmed to CNN that the FEC has not seen a filing under Kid Rock yet, but that doesn’t mean it’s not in the pipeline. There are bureaucratic hoops for the filing to jump through before it reaches the FEC. CNN was advised to check back later.

Though Rock (real name Robert James Ritchie) owns homes in Nashville, Florida, and Alabama, he is a Michigan native. Rock’s family home in Macomb, Michigan is currently for sale, listed at $1.295 million, a mite more affluent an upbringing than his small town, rough riding lyrics would suggest.

In the meantime, Kid Rock assures his legions of light-beer drinking fans that exciting developments will be announced soon.

Michigan, once a blue state, went red in 2016, voting narrowly for Trump over Clinton (2,279,543 vs 2,268839) in the 2016 Presidential election, so it’s safe to assume Michigan’s constituents are open to unconventional candidates.

Rock Rock is a conservative and his bid has been watched and tentatively welcomed by Michigan’s GOP party.

“I am definitely a Republican on fiscal issues and the military, but I lean to the middle on social issues. I am no fan of abortion, but it’s not up to a man to tell a woman what to do. As an ordained minister I don’t look forward to marrying gay people, but I’m not opposed to it,” Rock told Fox News. 

If Rock does run on the GOP ticket, he will face Democratic incumbent Debbie Stabenow.

We’ll leave you with this enlightening lyrical prose from Michigan’s potential new senator while we wait for updates on this gripping political satire.

“I’m a Kid Rock it up and down your block, with a bottle of scotch and watch lots of crotch, Buy a yacht with a flag sayin’ chillen the most, Then rock that b**ch up and down the coast.”

giphy 4 Would You Vote For Kid Rock?

(Giphy)

 

 

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